King David’s Parenting DON’Ts, Part 2

Originally published in Light Magazine.

Part 2: Parenting DON’Ts and the Question of Legacy

DON’T #1: Don’t let kids handle serious conflict alone

King David’s son Amnon pretends to be sick and asks his father to send Tamar, his sister, to tend to him. Tamar goes to his bedroom, and there, Amnon forces himself on her. Traumatized and devastated, Tamar seeks shelter in her brother Absalom’s household. 2 Samuel 13: 21-22 says: When King David heard all this, he was furious. Absalom never said a word to Amnon, either good or bad, he hated Amnon because he had disgraced his sister Tamar.

King David knows what happened, but he does not intervene, and Amnon is not held accountable. Two years later, Absalom seeks revenge by ordering Amnon murdered. It’s tough to sit with this part of David’s parenting journey. These are his adult children, but there is still something to learn for us parents of young kids—and it starts by taking our kids’ seemingly small conflicts seriously. Here are three things my husband and I are doing to help our kids navigate conflict:

We don’t ignore their fighting. We stop what’s happening, talk it through, and help our kids take responsibility for their words and actions. Mediating helps our kids learn what behaviour is acceptable and how to respond when they’re hurt or angry.

We don’t assume they’ll work it out themselves. At least, not when they’re young. Last school year, our kids disagreed over who got to sit in the front seat. I gave them a notebook to record who sat there and when, giving them a simple way to take turns fairly without me deciding each time. Learning to handle conflict when they’re young prepares them for bigger challenges as they grow.

We repeat ourselves. Sometimes for years. I think every parent wonders, Is any of this sticking? The more important question is: Are we consistent with what we expect from our kids?

DON’T #2: Don’t withhold love as punishment

Fearing King David’s wrath for murdering his brother, Absalom flees to Geshur and lives there for three years. Eventually the King allows him to come back to Jerusalem, but David still refuses to see his son. Two more years pass. Absalom resorts to setting a field on fire to get his dad’s attention saying, in 2 Samuel 14: 32, “I want to see the king’s face, and if I am guilty of anything, let him put me to death.” Finally, King David relents, Absalom bows down before his father and David kisses him (v33).

Does that look like forgiveness and reconciliation to you? Maybe. Notice what is missing: neither offers a confession of sin, or an apology for wrongdoing, or an offer of forgiveness. There is only an end to the punishing silent treatment (a withholding of love) and the semblance of a relationship restored.

Parents, withholding love doesn’t serve to punish. It causes more pain and relationship fracture. Instead, teach your kids to say sorry and be willing to say it yourself. Teach them to forgive quickly and be quick to forgive. Love unconditionally and when that’s harder to do, ask God for help. 

DON’T #3: Don’t avoid confrontation

Adonijah, one of King David’s sons, decides he wants to be the new king. He does all the things you’d expect someone making a play for the throne to do: He gathers an army, gets the support of a top official and a priest, makes sacrifices at the altar, and even throws a feast with his friends and advisors to celebrate.

Meanwhile, David is still king. Sure, he’s advanced in age and confined to his bed, but he’s perfectly capable of speaking with his advisors, giving orders, and meeting with family members. 1 Kings 1:6 says His father had never interfered with him by asking, “Why do you behave as you do?” Instead of confronting Adonijah, David instructs his advisors and chief priests to place Solomon—his rightful heir—on the throne. Adonijah’s friends scatter and he’s left fearing for his life.

Avoiding confrontation doesn’t help our kids feel secure. As parents, we know that healthy boundary setting and keeping is good for the entire family. Our yeses and noes teach our kids which behaviours and decisions ultimately help them thrive.

What will your parenting legacy be?

For all his parenting DOs and DON’Ts, King David is a father who prays for his children with unyielding faith. This is part of a legacy of prayer that begins with Joshua. God calls Joshua to lead His people into the promised land. God gives him this command and promise in Joshua 1:9: “Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.” 

This becomes a prayer passed through the generations. David writes it in the Psalms and prays it over Solomon when he becomes King. This is David’s parenting legacy, and one we inherit as children of God: trust in the Lord, be strong and courageous, and know that you are never alone.

What will your parenting legacy be? This is something my husband and I navigate daily as we learn, grow, and rely on God’s grace in our calling as parents.